Lost Count: A Love Story by Nate Marshall and Demetrius Amparan

Link to the Youtube video [ it is really worth watching] : Lost Count - A love Story
Link to the lyrics : Lyrics to the poem

I thought a lot about jealousy. I thought a lot about poetry. I like abstract poetry. I like poetry.

I read different poems. I read tons of them. And today I heard a poem. I heard a poem that made me cry. I can't quite understand it because I don't know what it feels like.

"And I don't know how to do more than be afraid,
that my age allowing me to be on this stage 
might have me murdered by Monday. 
I'm 18!
I play pickup basketball games with ghosts."

I am to well protected to really know, to even have the right to say I know and still every single word  burned my skin. Every single word broke my heart.
I probably listened to this poem a thousand times. I read tons of poems. And today I heard a poem.

One that changed my life. And I think that is what every poem should do. It should be a fire that you desire. One that will burn your skin.

"Will they ever call your death beautiful?
Your life, a sacrifice
A love story to be jealous of?
How many deaths will it take
Before this...  is considered genocide?"

DON'T COMPLAIN AND KEEP ON SMILING!

I'm tired of people thinking about everything all the time. I'm tired of acting happy when I'm not just so they don't ask what's up. I'm tired of people doing everything for money. I'm tired of money. I'm tired of people telling me how to LIVE MY LIFE! I'm tired of cheap nailpolish and lipstick that doesn't last. I'm tired of make-up, of hiding myself. I'm tired of trying to be perfect. I'm tired of winter, of the cold. I'm tired of trying too hard to get HIS attention. I am so tired of him. I'm so tired of people who just don't understand. I'm tired of people making me a project. I'm tired of being reduced. I'm tired of being popular- tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of running in circles. I'm tired of this reputation. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of spending my time how others expect me to! I'm tired of that damn song that once used to be my favorite song. I'm tired of fake people. I'm tired of backstabbing friends who wouldn't even care if you weren't there. I'm tired of not being myself just because you tell me to.

What is love?

Love is touching fire without burning yourself. Love is being addicted to the attention. Love is a habit. It is being willing to give your life for your sister. Love is a battlefield. Love is being safe in a burning room. Love is sunshine at night. Love is a beautiful flower in the dark. Love is being there eventhough you're not. Love is accepting. Love is moving on. Love is having hope. Love is hearing your grandpa say he can't fight anymore and still staying strong. Love is smiling even though you want to cry. It is letting out what you have hidden for so long. Love is saying 'Yes'.

But most of all love is undefinable.
What is love? Does love even exist? Where does one feeling end and another feeling start? Why can we say we hate "him" after all he did? Isn't it because we love him. Doesn't it hurt just because we don't hate him at all? Where does the first excitement end and the habit of not being able to live without someone else start? Is that love or is it being addicted to some sort of feeling someone else gives us? Is it really love to fight for someone even though they just can't do it anymore? Is it love to force someone to be with us or isn't it rather love to accept their decision? Is it love when your heart drops when you see him or is that just nervosity? Do we really want the love or do we just love the attention? Why can we get over someone? Is it love when we are able to get over that one person?

And why is it that most love songs are rather sad and depressing than happy ? Isn't love somehow that feeling that makes your eyes sparkle, your heart beating faster so that you feel that warm feeling all over your body and just wanna scream because you are full of joy? How is it possible that there are so many sad love songs ? Shouldn't people who feel this overwhelming feeling be happy, no matter what?

Yes, I think love is the hidden sunshine deep inside you and if you look for it you can find it EVERYWHERE!

lose yourself

I don't even know what I'm tryin to say. I don't even know if anyone cares and if I even have to say anything. I'm boring myself. I just had this feeling to write and here I am writing. Maybe it won't change a thing, maybe it won't change your mind or your heart. Maybe you're not even reading this.  But how can I ever know if I never gave it a damn shot? If I never took this opportunity? If I never captured this moment? And how could I do this any better than just through writing? You know what ? I think life's called life because it is about living. It is about taking risks, about enjoying every moment. It is about giving every dream, every hope, every thought a shot. And who knows maybe one day one of "us", whoever "we" are right now since I don't know who's reading this, will make a difference.  How can we ever find out if we never gave it a shot ? If we never did what we really felt like doing? I don't even know what I am trying to say. I think we all should just stop thinking about things. We should just freaking start living. YOU want to be a designer ? Then be one! Stop being like "I ain't gonna make it dude." Guess what ? If all those designers would have thought that you would probably be pretty naked right now. We should just live our dreams, no matter how realistic they are. If you wanna be a princess find a freakin prince and marry him. I think we should stop giving up and start trying harder until we reach what we aim for!

Maybe you don't care. Maybe no one ever will.  I just hope you give it a shot, whatever it is you're dreaming about.

BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS.

"Broken rules have broken laws have broken hearts have broken all." - Pitbull ft. Akon Mr. Right Now

I walk alone. I walk alone. The old freeway I'm walking on is grey and seems endless. The sky is grey. It's cloudy. I walk alone. I walk alone. It's cold. No one's there. There's not even any sound except for the old melody that followed me all the way. There are paper sheets flying in the wind. They are art-scholar-papers. I walk alone. I walk alone. Empty paper is lying on the street. I just walk by, don't even look. There is no color. I walk alone. I walk alone.  I walk past a broken piano, dusty. I walk past a guitar leaning against it. Never played. I walk past the old abandoned art school. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk past all those notes, all those joyfull melodies, that stopped playing in my head. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk past her house. Past her grave I haven't visited in so long. Photos of her funeral blown in the air by the calm, warm wind. I wasn't there. I was alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. Walking doesn't hurt. My legs aren't tired. It just seems endless. I walk alone. I walk alone. There are so many words written on the grey cloudy sky surrounding me. Never said them. I walk alone. I walk alone. There's no one. No sign of life. It almost seems like there has never been anyone on it except for me. Broken houses. Broken rules. I walk alone.  I walk alone. I walk alone. Conversations - never happened. Broken Hearts never fixed. I walk alone.

I'm thinking about you.

I'm thinking about you.
I'm thinking about you like teenage daughters want to incite. Like their mothers want them to gain insight. Like starving people think about food. Like her finger thinks about a ring. Like he thinks about running away from all those responsibilities. I'm thinking abou you like a perfectionist thinks about getting better, like vegas thinks about  a bettor. I'm thinking about you like fries think about potatoes. Like snow thinks about the cold. I'm thinking about you -much. Like all others suck. Like skin thinks about touch and touch thinks about... love. I'm thinking about you ike she always thinks about him, like sometimes you just need a hymn! I'm thinking about you like blind people think about color. Like a flower thinks about the sun who thinks about summer who thinks about winter who misses the exact same freaking sun! Like mothers think about their son. I'm thinking about you like tears think about falling. Like teenagers think about nothing and think nothing is everything without seeing anything other than that one thing. I'm thinking about you like a heart thinks about beating. Like Egypt thinks about freedom. Like cookies think about chocolate chips. I'm thinking about you like water thinks about ditches, like the ugly christmas sweater itches, like players think about... winning the game. I'm thinking about you. Do you even listen? I'm thinking about you like someone who has to pee really badly thinks about a toilet. Like pi thinks about math and math is selfish and thinks it's most important. About you. Like you don't think of me. I'm thinking about you like I should live my life and not waste my time. Like I should stop thinking about you... and be with you.

Direct Orders.

You are under direct orders to rock out.
Rock out like you got this nervous, awesome feeling in your tummy. Rock out like you just bought something way too expensive. Rock out like you danced the whole night.Rock out like they just passed  universal suffrage. Rock out like  you get two bags of Cheetos out of the vending machine. Rock out like Kurt Cobain is back and is singing just for you. Rock out like you have a freaking 4,0. Rock out like you are on a Rock concert. Rock out like you're having barbecued streak for dinner.  Rock out like they just told you they love you. Rock out like  the war just ended and everyone's optimist till the next war starts. Rock out  like you just woke up and had an awesome dream. Rock out like it's your last day of life. Rock out like he told you he loves you. Rock out like you were born in the 60's. Rock out like you are free to say whatever you want. Rock out like it's raining outside and you can run through the warm summer rain. Rock out like you have a heart. Rock out like you just found a new favorite song. Rock out like you wrote an awesome poem. Rock out like they published your book. Rock out like you don't need to worry about tomorrow. Rock out like you're an abused woman finally able to fight back. Rock out like you can live in a world where people accept you,  no matter how you look like, who you love or what you believe. Rock out like you're self confident. Rock out like the hot kid  just texted you. Rock out like you have friends who are just like you. Rock out like you're having a chilled day at home. Rock out like you're partying all night. Rock out like your government is based on democracy.  Rock out like he broke your heart and you realized how stupid he actually was. Rock out like you're gonna die soon. Rock out like you don't care. Rock out like there's nothing else to do. Rock out like you're over it.
Rock out like you can be yourself.